this is not what i want to be when i grow up...

every day i sit in that boardroom, i look at the glowing and excited faces surrounding me. the faces of those thrilled to be beginning the new chapter of their life. thrilled to become risk analysts and spend their days evaluating spread sheets. there's anticipation of what their career will turn out to be like. then there's anxiety about how they will perform. maybe curiosity about the foreign country they will get to live in for 6 months.

but all i feel is panic. i sit there and wait for the moment at which the words inside my head will make it out and i will scream that i really CAN'T do this. that i DON'T BELONG here. that THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP!!!!
for now i'm keeping quiet. i keep teasing P. about hollywood movies and big gestures in which the hero runs through the airport, stops the plane and tells the girl that she can't leave. what would i do if that really happened? would i have the guts to leave everything, face the consequences, pay up for the "money and energy invested in me and my career so far" and go on with my faith in our relationship, our love?

naively optimistic with suspicious tendencies. that's how i described myself to P. this weekend. yet, when he confessed to already having cheated on me, to his plan that it will likely continue while i'm gone, i said ok. in fact, i made him a deal and asked if it was fair. fair? to whom? how is this fair to me and how could i possibly agree with it? where's my beliefs from Tatry, that "one chance is all you get", that i deserve better? i keep thinking what P. has to lose in this arrangement, while for me the answer would be: everything. maybe he can't love two people at once, but he sure can fall out of love with me and after months of waiting and being the good one, i will have nothing left.

"i stood there, screaming, that i wanted to stay, that i couldn't leave...
what was i leaving and would enough be gained in return?"