the tears have arrived.

i feel like i finally got the life here that i never even knew i wanted. and im too scared to just give it up.

i have spent years, almost a decade, trying to figure out what i want from life. figuring out where to continue my journey. what to dedicate my energy to.
i now realize i have thrown myself into school and work simply because it came easy to me. it was natural. it fulfilled me when i had nothing else to void the gaps inside me.
but i know now that all that is nothing. that i would give that up in heartbeat if anyone asked me to. living all those years without a support system, without a family, all those steps were supposed to distract me from realizing what i've been missing. i thrive of those long rides through the countryside, late night grilling sessions with new friends, cool dips in the lake after kilometers of rollerblading. that is what makes my life complete. strangely enough, even hanging out button-downs at half past midnight, because i get to put love in it. love for someone else. who might love me back. and who might not.

the guy at the harley pub told me on saturday night that he would waste no time coming to see me in the States. he asked me if P. would do the same. i said No. i said No, but inside i hoped i was lying. i hoped i was wrong, only to be proven otherwise shortly after i will have to cross that ocean. i still hope that will be the case. without it, what will become of my life? a disappointed journey towards something i no longer long for? it's hard once your eyes open up and you see the possibilities. you see what your life could become if ........

if. are there even options anymore? i don't feel like there are.

and i'm scared, scared that i will keep regretting that i have not fought enough. "preco sa vzdy tak rychlo vzdavas?"


should i not, this time?