will you bring flowers to the place where i crashed and burned?

today's mood is filled with John Legend. burnt soup. rain dripping outside the window. it has brought much needed freshness to the air.

paying my u.s. cell phone bill online has surprised me with such a strong sense of normalcy. i now vaguely remember my life there. the atms, my bank account, margaritas on the roof and mexican delivered across the street. the city pacing at its own dynamic rhythm that somehow tunes in with my own internal clock so well. the farmer's market and sushi at whole foods. sun shining down on us through the trees as we lay down in the park, reading sunday's papers on the way to the met.

i am realizing now that slovakia is no longer for me. that what i've found in new york is the perfect match to my personality and to my dreams that never really fit in much here anyways. but now, stuck here for months, i'm fighting the pressure to return to my old ways. i am desperately trying to hold on to the 'me' i like, to not lose the zuzana i have crafted over the years, the one that's happy baking banana breads and dodging the cabs as she runs the streets. she's still there. i hope. i know. i hope she waits until we can return to our city.