thinking it through..

i sit here everyday thinking of what to do, how to make my decision and i know that in the end i won't be able to make everyone happy. i dont want this decision to be about him. it has to be about me. because if i came just for him, it would never help our relationship - me screaming at him and blaming him for my misserable life. the words dont come out easily, im trying to pretend that this doesnt exist, that i dont have the last month to decide and that my whole life doesnt depend on it. but we know the truth. im calculating, thinking it through, but its harder than i could have ever imagined. sometimes im so sure about what to do and then i wake up the next day and everything is different.

i know a month from now it will all be over, or so i hope, but until then i'll just be a mess and maybe i'll never forgive myself regardless of what the decision will be. this is all so new to me, having a life, friends around, new people and the city expecting me every night. laundry and dishes, maybe even a dog and my own apartment. and all these things make it harder to be objective because in comparison to what i went thorugh before, this all seems so much better. i just dont know how much longer i can make it last...