out of africa

i miss english. that's why english.

if anyone only knew how much is hiden behind this simple title.

i thought that a letter sent yesterday would make it all go away. that it would let me move on and forget but it seems that the way we (didn't) say good-bye will never make me forget.

i miss him more than i could have ever imagined. there isn't an hour when i don't hit the little jingly thing hanging on my door remembering the nights we spent together. before i sealed the envelope, i was fighting myself deciding whether or not i should reveal my contact info. i decided not to and maybe this will become my illusion, naivite, thanks to which i will let myself believe that even though he would love to, he just can't. and that our reunion will remain unscripted.

i feel how much love i'm missing. i want someone to lay his hands on me, to hold me and make me feel loved like i never have before. the gentleness, noises, sweat and broken shower curtain, secret key swaps and messages noone else would understand. even though our conversations were loud and clear, the words between us carried meanings none would ever decipher.

of course i was jealous. and of course he didn't love me. still, the unspoken words and kisses that never happened despite our longings will never let me forget.

"210". my secret. our secret. and maybe not.